Marc and I recently had a party. Included among the guests
was Marc’s current lover, Svetlana (not her real name).
The bedroom door was closed, which is unusual at one of our
parties, mostly so guests feel comfortable using that bathroom, but also
because the doggies need access to their beds when they grow weary from dancing
and harassing humans for a Manchou chicken wing. My friend hesitated at the closed door and looked at
me. I gave him a nod to let him
know it would be okay if he went in.
As he started to open the door, someone on the other side,
in my and Marc’s bedroom, slammed the door shut in his face. Startled, he looked at me. I heard the slam and was headed over to
see what was up.
“Someone just slammed the door in my face.” He was mostly shocked, but also a bit
taken aback.
I tried myself, only to find that someone was holding the
door closed. “What the hell?” I
knocked with emphasis (read: pounded my fist).
My guest was now dancing a little “gotta pee” jig and looked
at me with an expression somewhere between pity and fear—probably fear for
whoever was on the other side of that door. He slipped by me and toward the bathroom at the other end of
the house and politely said, “It’s okay.
I’ll just find another bathroom.”
I pounded again and Marc opened the door. “What the fuck?”
“Me and Svetlana were in here. Sorry.”
I felt my blood pressure rise as Marc slipped into the
crowd. I followed him into his
office.
Again, I asked, “What the fuck?”
“Nothing was going on.
I was counting money for the DJ and Svetlana was by the door. I have no idea why she held it closed.”
“Not cool. I
don’t want to talk about it now, but totally not cool.”
I walked away and rejoined the party. As I was mixing drinks at our counter,
Svetlana slipped out of our bedroom and joined a group of her friends.
The next day, I asked Marc what happened in the bedroom and
why he or Svetlana held the door closed.
He said that he didn’t really remember but that they probably kissed a
little bit. I asked him if it
would be okay if I sent a message to Svetlana to ask her what happened. He said, “Sure.”
I sent Svetlana a message, and she responded with an apology
and an explanation. I told her in
no uncertain terms that blocking me from entering my and Marc’s bedroom while
he and she are in there is unacceptable.
I also requested that they don’t sneak off to be alone while I’m in the
house. She agreed, apologized, said
she totally understood, and that it would never happen again. Later that day, she sent a message to
Marc apologizing to him. And that
was that.
So, what was that like? What went wrong, and how might all of us do things differently?
Mimi:
What’s it like when
Marc and/or his partner(s) do something that you perceive as a “mistake”? (We’ll flip this one too and write a
future blog about Mimi and her lover(s) doing something that Marc perceives as
a mistake.)
I’ve been thinking a lot about rules lately. Setting down rules, I think, can
sometimes be a quick and easy way to mask or avoid insecurities rather than deal
with and express them.
Looking back, I did think of what might go wrong with
Svetlana at our party. To be specific,
I thought about how terrifying it would be to me if Marc and Svetlana were arm
in arm the whole night, giggling with each other and our guests, and wandering
off to be “alone” (read: not with me). I’m the sort of person who tends to play out the worst-case
scenario in my mind so, if it happens, I feel like I have some semblance of
control and a plan. This works
great for mountaineering or triathlon.
When doing an open relationship and polyamory? Not so much.
The reason it doesn’t work is because I tend to put
outlandish, completely unrealistic visions in my head when it comes to Marc’s
relationships with others (remember how I picture erotic savants and sexual super
heroes before I meet Marc’s lovers?)
Perhaps these outrageously unrealistic expectations are a way to make it
all “that wasn’t so bad,” but more likely, my visions reveal my own
insecurities.
In this case, I was terrified Svetlana would become “the
hostess”. My vision included her
taking over my house, my guests, and most important, my partnership with
Marc.
My fears were real,
but they really weren’t valid. By being real, I
mean I was really scared and those feelings are important. By not being valid, I mean that the fears are not based on something that, in
any likelihood, would ever happen.
So, for example, if I’m climbing a mountain and I’m really scared that
guy Yeti is around every turn, that fear is real and must be addressed. However, it would be a huge mistake to
make my climbing team adjust our plan or climbing strategy because of my fear
of Yeti. Fear of Yeti is real, but
not valid. When fears are
real, but not valid, the best thing to do is try to deal with the fear rather
than make everybody else adjust to accommodate your fear.
Setting up rules to deal with real, but invalid fears is
like making the climbing team adjust to something that isn’t real. There is no way Marc (or Svetlana)
would ever shut me out like I feared, and at the risk of some conceit, there’s
no one who could ever take my place or overshadow me as host of one of my and
Marc’s party (except, of course, Marc, who is the hostess with the
mostest!).
In the end, none of what I had envisioned happened. However, if I were being honest with
myself and with Marc and with Svetlana, I would have said something to each of
them before the party. “Hey, listen, I’m feeling a bit
uncomfortable about this situation, and I know that you two “coupling up” at
the party would be hard for me.” Ideally,
the three of us would talk about it and the bedroom incident wouldn’t have
happened.
Alas, I didn’t say anything and the bedroom incident
happened. I was surprised and angered by being blocked from my own bedroom by
Svetlana, and those feelings were real and
valid. As much as I should
have expressed any discomforts I was feeling, they should have done the same and, I believe, asked me how I would
feel if they had a moment alone together.
Marc did this once before. A woman he was dating, but not sleeping with, came to one of
our parties a long time ago. When
she was leaving he asked if it would be okay if he walked her to her car so
they could have some time alone. I
said that I wouldn’t be comfortable with that, and so, he hugged her at the
door. This was a long time ago,
and my discomfort was 100% insecurity on my part. I’d like to think that if Marc and Svetlana came to me to ask how I’d feel if they had some time
alone together, I would have said, “I’m a little uncomfortable, but that’s just
my own insecurities. Go ahead, but
don’t be gone all night and not in our bedroom.” At least that’s how I would
like to respond.
Next time Svetlana comes over when I’m there, I’m going to
have to make sure I say to both of them, “There are no rules about having some
alone time together because my fears about what that means or what might happen
are invalid. My only request is
that you consider my feelings and ask first rather than ‘sneak off’ behind my
back. Oh, and if the bedroom incident
happens again, I’m gonna go all medieval on both your asses! Just kidding……..kind of.”
Marc:
What’s it like when
you and your partner(s) do something that Mimi perceives as a “mistake”?
It was my birthday.
We had a great DJ at the party, which relieved me from my usual DJ’ing
duties, and it also allowed me time to dance and enjoy myself. At most of our parties, I feel the need
to be the host with the most and I don’t necessarily really enjoy myself, but
this time was different. That also
meant that I could imbibe a bit more than usual, and I guess I did that night,
so I have a fuzzy recollection of what actually went on in those brief moments
described above.
Svetlana later told me that she had come into the room and
taken advantage of the short “alone time” to show me a bit of leg (which, by
the way, if you’re wondering, is always appreciated). I really don’t remember.
When Mimi brought it up the next day, I was honest. I told her I’m not really sure what
happened, but that we didn’t do anything terribly inappropriate together during
the party. That’s really not my
style. We have had guests turn on
the water and hop into our Jacuzzi bath during a party in the past, and I
always thought it to be a bit gauche to hide away and make out. A little flirting is great, but save
the gettin’ down for a. when the
guests have gone if it’s with Mimi and I , or b. when you and your date get home. At least,
that’s my usual M.O. Apparently, probably
due to having one too many cocktails, my consciousness about the “right thing
to do” went out the window, and I wasn’t really concerned for Mimi’s
feelings. As soon as she came in,
I realized this was not a good thing to be doing.
Beyond being honest, being open to the concerns of your
partner is so important. It’s easy
to get defensive, as I sometimes do, or overly stressed by a complaint, but
once you’re able to just accept, “yeah, I fucked up”, it’s easier to move
forward. Sometimes it seems that
that is really all Mimi wants to hear, but sometimes, it’s difficult for me to
just go there without there being some explanation, etc. I’ll continue to work on getting the “I
fucked up” part with less explanation.
I thought Svetlana did a good job of addressing it with Mimi
and I and I know she felt a bit embarrassed by it, as well. She also told me she had been nervous
coming to the party and had a few beverages to drink, and her inhibitions were
a bit less present than usual.
Neither of us are perfect, both in what we do, and how we
handle being confronted by what we do when it bothers the other person. Feeling like you have a solid
relationship that you WANT to be in really helps. Arguments, discomfort, conflicts, etc. will all arise, especially
within the context of an open relationship….there’s a lot of negotiation to be
done. As I’ve said many times in
past blogs, how you DEAL with those conflicts is what makes or breaks this type
of relationship.
I love the open relationship idea, but I'm a lot like Mmi in the over thinking things in my head & making them seem worse then they actually are. My husband & I have done the group, mmf, ffm & many other mixes but never have we experimented on our own. Probably mostly because of me & my insecurity issues What I wonder is did Mmi have these thoughts before you'll started the open relationship thing or was it not so much an issue because you were there & able to actually see what happens. So there for leaving less for you to imagination. I ask bc when I'm there & part of it I don't feel that disconnect, I actually feel more connected to my husband because we are experiencing it together. I'd like to try the open relationship thing & i don't think it would be a problem until it was my husbands time to go off & do his thing. How do you get past the jealousy? My husband is NEVER EVER EVER jealous of any guys that seem interested in me... maybe because i make it very clear that I am so madly in love with him. But he doesn't express himself to me the same way, mostly because he's a man of few words. I know that he loves me, but because of my body issues & his lack of expression my mind tends to wonder.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Sammy D. It is different for me, as well, when we have sex with others together and when Marc has sex with someone else in my absence. It has always been a bit easier for me when I'm there (and it's hot! :-)
ReplyDeleteI have found that jealousy is most acute right after Marc has sex with someone else and that it dissipates pretty quickly. We'll do a blog specifically on jealousy, but let me just say that it helps me to think about how Marc had sex with others before we even met. And of course there were and will be people more beautiful in one way or another and/or who thrill(ed) him in ways I don't or haven't, but that doesn't change who I am and what Marc sees in and loves about me. The ultimate goal, for me anyway, is to feel solid in my self and not rely on Marc or anyone else to "make" me feel confident. It's gotta ultimately come from me. Easier said than done, right? (This is the emotional/mental work I do when feeling jealous. I'm not saying it's easy or always successful.)
Having said that, Marc is pretty good at letting me know that he loves me. Lots of times it's not with words, but with deeds. That's a crucial part of making this work for us. After one of us has a date or I spend the weekend with Scott, we both make a conscious effort to let the other person know that we're solid. Instead of focusing on building the other's self-esteem, we focus on what makes our RELATIONSHIP special. With words and with deeds. And in all honesty, it's those times that make us even more solid than before the date or weekend apart.